Entry tags:

axl, evanesence, rockman x, salvation, songfic, tournequet, zero

Salvation
Disclaimer. I don't own them, just borrowing them for a bit of torture. Tourniquet belongs to Evanescence.

There is heavy warnings on this. Shonen-ai at the least and thoughts/actions of suicide. Yes, this is a very dark fic (but it will have a happy ending, trust me.) And it is a songfic too. Been a long time since I've done one. If you are not into or want to read a suicide fic, especially one dealing with a person going through the act of trying to kill themselves both physically and emotionally then please do not read this. This is the only warning you're getting. If you flame because of what I wrote I will send an enraged Zero after you and you are not going to like where he's going to shove his beam sabre . . . Trust me.

Special thanks go out to a very dear friend of mine for suggesting this song and agreeing with me for who/what should basically happen.

7-22-07 Edit/Note: While going through unfinished fics I found this one and was drawn back to it. I never wrote an original copyright date to it so I have no idea when I really started it. The creation date said 3/7/2005 but so did a lot of other files so I'm assuming that's when I copied that folder over (as that is the earliest date I have for any file in my storymaster folder.) However, since I am editing/finishing this over 2 years later, I'm only going to include the current dates as the copyright even though this work was started far longer than that. I'm considering this a diversion/break from translating early X material and something so totally radical from what I normally would write that maybe it'll inspire me to finish other half done or just noted works or rejuvenate me to finish translating. This might not be my best work but it is at least something finished.

Anyway, read and enjoy.

Salvation

(C) 7-22-2007
All Rights Reserved

By Goldenmane

I tried to kill the pain,
But only brought more.
(so much more)
I am dying,
And I’m pouring, crimson regret, and betrayal.

This was about the highest spot Axl could find, a place where no one would bother him, a tall cyber-enhanced tree far away from the Hunter Base. It was his own private sanctuary, his space he could go to get away from it all. But even now, the isolation didn't help his mood any. It had been a few years since the downfall of Red Alert and, while the other Hunters still celebrated the victory they called the Seventh War, he couldn't. How could he find any joy in the slaughter that he had helped to come to pass? How could he find any joy in the deaths of other Reploids, tricked or infected by Sigma? They were innocents, maybe not angels, but they had no right to be labeled Mavericks and hunted down like dogs by the Hunters. They had been his friends and family, the ones who had taken him in and cared for him despite how wild he might have been when he had first awoken. They had accepted him as one of their own and how had he repaid it? By betraying them to the Hunters he had so long admired. By leading the fight against his friends. By killing them or leading to their deaths, one by one . . .

He had never done this before, never even thought about it. But, then again, he had no time to think of anything while they were fighting. It was either stand there and be killed or kill and prove you were something. But what was he proving as he fought? What was it he was really searching for? Was it acceptance? Was it understanding? Was it kindness and compassion? Was it something more he couldn't put a name to?

With a soft sigh emerald green eyes scanned the world below. It seemed so innocent here, so peaceful and pure. Unlike how his heart and soul felt. He was slowly being consumed by his grief, his losses. Slowly dying inside and he couldn't stop it. Who would listen to him? Who would pay attention to a young, punk Reploid like himself? Especially one who was different from the others, one who really didn't fit into the world around him.

Red, why? he asked to the silence around him, why did it have to happen to you?

He closed his eyes as the tears began to fall. He felt a light breeze caress his face, seeming to try and wipe the tears away, which only made him cry all the more harder. He had been thrown out like so much unused trash, abandoned, given no chance of survival. If it hadn't been for the fates or whatever allowing a lone Reploid to find his body, then all of this wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't feel this pain now, this emptiness that no one could fill . . .

Or could they?

No. Who would love an outcast? Who would be there to comfort them? Surely not the crowd he hung out with now. They mocked him, jeered him, called him names. He was no better, in their opinion, than the Mavericks they had slaughtered. Even those he looked up to hated him. One conspired to get him kicked out of the base, the other seemed to ignore him now that his services were no longer needed.

But still he respected them, still wanted to be like them. Wanted to be accepted, to be cared about . . .

Was that what this was really all about? Was that what he was searching for? Was it for someone to care for him, to hold him when he became scared, to listen to him talk about what bothered him?

You did that for me, Red, he said softly to no one, you held me when I was afraid or hurt. You were there to help soothe away my tears. You understood me like no other could. You were my mentor, my savior . . . my father . .

And at the thought of the loss of Red, he broke down even more, sobbing harshly into the still quiet of nature.

I’m dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
I'm screaming.
Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost?
My god! my tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My god! my tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

There was nothing now that could console the broken boy. Nothing that would ease his pain. He had been there when his mentor had gone off to die, had decided to die alone. He had wanted to go, not wanting his mentor to die alone. But also not wanting to be left alone. He had hated feeling alone, but there was no one to console him, no one to chase the pain away.

I know how to end the pain, he thought bitterly, never once flinching as he slowly removed the outer casing to his shell, not bothering to kill his pain centers either. What was one more ache to his body? Now that his arm wires were exposed he held out his arm as he reached in with the blade and made one cut, severing a wire. He grit his teeth in pain, but he refused to yield. After a moment he did it again. And again.

Feeling tears come to his eyes he had no idea why. Was it from fear? Was he afraid to die? Was it from sadness that he had lost the one he loved? Was it from something else he didn't quite understand?

In confusion he shut his eyes, his body shaking once more in grief. Why did life have to be like this? Why did fate have to be so cruel? Why did life have to hurt so much?

And who was going to be there to comfort him in the end?

Maybe there was no one here who could comfort him. Maybe his one solution was to go to the one he knew would love him, would care for him, would be there no matter what.
He never noticed as the blade slipped, his arm mostly numb now from the damage inflicted. Never noticed the small stream of crimson fluid that trickled around the wires, pooling in the bottom casing of his arm armor before dropping off to disappear in the dry ground.

Red. Please, wait for me. I'll be joining you soon. You'll take care of me? Won't you?

Do you remember me ?
Lost for so long.
Will you be on the other side ?
Or will you forget me ?

The boy froze with fear. What if Red wasn't there? What if he rejected the boy? After all, didn't he turn on his allies and attack them like the other Hunters? Didn't he betray those bonds of loyalty they all had to Red? What if he finds his lost mentor and only receives a cold stare and an even colder heart?

He broke out crying again as his body started to shiver. Could Red be that cruel? Could he turn the boy away without a second thought? What if he had condemned himself by helping to destroy Red Alert? Was he going to be condemned to eternal damnation for that? Had he sealed his fate and not even realized it?

But it was too late. He knew it was too late. He knew there was no going back now that he had done as much damage as he had and had shed so much fluid. He just stared down at his arm, shifting it every so often, watching as the coolant fluid dropped from the casing to fall into oblivion below. Why would he want to go back to the pain, the hurt, the cruelty? He had helped fight not only during the Seventh War but also against his own kind when Lumine tried to take over the world in the name of the new gens and again during the uprising in Giga City when they had been betrayed by a close friend.

How many had he killed? How many vengeful souls will be waiting for him on the other side? Sigma? His new gen brothers? Red and Red Alert? Will they hate him for what he had done or will they embrace him and forgive him. More so Red than anyone else. Or will Red forget him? Will he not be there to comfort the boy when he passed from one world to the other? Would he simply not be interested in a traitor anymore for a surrogate son? Would he treat Axl with the same contempt the Hunters still did no matter how many times he's tried to prove his value and worth to them?

No, he tried to realize around his sobs, his vision blurring as more tears fell, Red wouldn't be that cruel. Red wouldn't leave him to die. Red would come and comfort his soul, welcome him back. Red hadn't been fully infected and he had asked Axl to kill him, to end his suffering. So had the others of Red Alert. At least those who still had their minds in tact. And afterwards, when the Palace crumbled around them, Red told Axl to live. For him. But, wasn't Axl doing just the opposite of that now? Wasn't he trying to end his life? Wasn't he trying now, after all those years, to join his father in a death he knew Zero had rightfully taken from him?

Just a bit longer, father, and I'll be with you, Axl thought bitterly, whether you really want me or not, I'll be there, begging your forgiveness for killing you. For allowing the Hunters to take you all down . . . for allowing Sigma to corrupt Red Alert.

Sobbing harshly again, Axl pounded his good fist against the tree, the beam sabre dropping to the ground. But Axl didn't notice and, if he had, chances were he wouldn't have cared one bit. He might not have been able to feel the pain in his arm but he could feel the pain in his soul and it wrenched so hard he was forced to grab onto his chest crystal so tightly he swore it would crack under the pressure.

I’m dying,
Praying,
Bleeding,
I'm screaming.

He looked down now at the drops of red as they fell from his arm. He held it out, watching the drops fall off the edge to disappear into the trees below. He giggled. Why he thought it was so funny to see his life fluid dripping away, he wasn't sure. But at that moment it seemed right to laugh.

Drop.

Drop.

Drop.

A drop for each of you, he mused, a grim smile on his face, a drop of life to replace the ones I took. I know you all hate me. I can tell. You wish I had died too instead of lived as a traitor. Don't think I don't know, because I do!

His vision began to waver as warning signs began to pop up. He ignored them, killing the command line to warn him of any damage. He knew what was going on and he didn't care. No one did, so why should he?

With a tilt of the head he watched another drop fall. Ticking names off with each crimson bead. Was he trying to atone for his sins? Who knew? Not even he knew why.

Suddenly the world spun and he found himself falling, unable to prevent it. He giggled again. "This is the end," he whispered to the breeze around him, "now I can escape this pain . . . " He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable, waited for the trees to try and break his fall, only to break his body, only to leave him as shattered and bent as his soul and heart were.

Am I too lost to be saved ?
Am I too lost ?

When he felt something almost slam into him, cradling him against a warm, humming chest, he paused. Shouldn't he be crashing into the trees? Shouldn't his life be ending now?

Slowly he opened his eyes and met a dark and cold face. Powerful black wings, etched in red and gold filaments beat in a steady rhythm. He could see no trace of emotion behind those cold sapphire eyes.

With what strength he had, he cried out his pain at being denied a death he wanted. But even if he had been saved from the fall, nothing would stop his systems from shutting down from the loss of fluid. Either way he was doomed to die. Either way he would be back with Red again and everything would be all right. It wouldn't be long now before his systems finally shut down and the darkness that threatened to blot out his vision, to cast the one who had caught him into a further inky blackness would overcome him.

My god! my tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My god! my tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

* * * Zero found a landing spot in a clearing, body thrown back to break his descent, the extra added weight almost unbalancing. He knelt, holding the boy close. He wasted no time as he curled his wings around Axl, shifting an arm long enough to hook their systems together, feeding the boy life saving fluids. He eased him down only long enough to begin repairs on his arm, sealing the cuts and severed tube, trying with all of his heart to save the young boy from death.

"I don't know what's gotten into you," he said, "and I know you probably can't tell me now. But when you're better I want to
know why you're so willing to throw your life away."

And, as he had expected, Axl was so beyond comprehension, his vision flickering, threatening to dim completely that it sent shivers of fear through Zero. He was close to losing the boy and it frightened him more than anything else. He didn't dare teleport them, knowing the strain on Axl's systems might be what would push him past the point of no return.

Reaching up, Zero hit his radio. "Lifesaver, this is an emergency. I've found Axl. He's lost a lot of fluid and his systems are failing."
"I am on my way," Lifesaver's voice droned over Zero's radio.

Zero cut the transmission, cradling Axl close, whispering softly to the boy not knowing whether it would make a difference or not but, he hoped, it would.

"Axl," Zero said, voice soft, "please, don't leave me. I'm begging you. Don't give in. Don't let yourself die."

But, before Zero could speak further, Lifesaver and one of his clones teleported in. Zero shifted, parting his wings so the medics could get to Axl's injury.

The clone set about immediately hooking Axl up to fluid tubes and fixing the damage while Lifesaver himself opened Axl's chest.
Zero flinched a bit at the scream of pain from Axl, his pain centers still on line by some freak chance.

He watched as Lifesaver moved his hand, doing something and soon Axl was lax against Zero, eyes closing, breathing soft and shallow.
"I simply shut his pain centers down and put him into stand by," Lifesaver said as if anticipating Zero's question.

The crimson Hunter said nothing, watching as Lifesaver worked, hoping and silently praying that he could save Axl before it was too late.

(return to me salvation)
(I want to die!)

"Surprisingly enough," Lifesaver droned on after a while, "the boy seems to be fighting me. It seems as if he does not want his systems restarted and fixed. This is most unusual."

Zero said nothing, closing his eyes, wishing Axl would listen and see reason. Axl, please. For my sake if not your own, don't do this. Don't kill yourself. Don't allow yourself to die. Please. Come back to me.

But whether or not the boy heard him, Zero could not tell as the time ticked by and Lifesaver and his clone worked. Fear began to set more and more into his core that Axl may never wake and that Lifesaver may be forced to terminate his systems in a mercy killing.

But, whether the powers that be listened to Zero and decided to grant him his prayer or it was just some fluke of nature but Lifesaver sat back with a nod. "He is stabilized enough I can transport him back to the med bay."

Zero nodded. "I'm going too," he said.

Lifesaver merely nodded as he rose, the clone gathering the tools brought and unhooking Axl from the tubes.

Zero followed the medics' teleport, walking behind them, banishing Absolute Zero for his normal crimson armor. He followed them into a room and eased Axl down the table Lifesaver pointed to. He moved back and watched as Axl was hooked to machines that would regulate his complex systems and feed needed energy and fluids to his systems. Though whether or not Axl would wake or not was yet to be seen.
Even when Lifesaver and his clone left, Zero remained. He pulled a chair over and sat, reaching out to take Axl's hand in his. It was the only thing he could do to try and reassure the teen he was still there with him, no matter what.

My god! my tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.
My god! my tourniquet,
Return to me salvation.

It would be many hours before Zero would feel something shift against his hand, would hear the soft groan come from Axl. Opening his eyes, Zero watched as Axl brought his injured arm up, covering his eyes. He could see the wet tracks that had recently fallen down the boy's cheek and he shifted, reaching out to brush the tears away, startling Axl.

"Sorry," Zero said, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"You . . . you," Axl started as he looked over at Zero with almost dead eyes, "you stopped me . . . why?"

"Do I really need a reason?" Zero asked as he held up the hand he was still holding, "just like do I need a reason for this?"

He couldn't miss the soft blush on Axl's cheeks before the boy looked away. "Get out," he said, "leave me alone."

"Is that any way to treat someone who just saved your life?" Zero asked.

"I didn't need you to save my life," Axl said, going on the defensive.

"No, you didn't," Zero said though he didn't let go of Axl's hand, not until the boy yanked it away, "I could have left you to die but I didn't. I could have walked away when I saw the fluid, beam knife and part of your armor on the ground, but I didn't. And do you know why?"

"Because you need me for another mission? Is that it?" Axl spat out, "you need the freak to do your dirty work."

"You're not a freak," Zero said, "you're a Hunter, remember?"

Axl snorted at that. "No one thinks I'm a Hunter."

"Well, if that wasn't the case then why are you listed as a Class S Hunter?" Zero asked, "to me that means that you are a Hunter."

"Only in name," Axl said, voice going soft.

"Not to me," Zero said, "to me you are one of our best Hunters and a very valuable part of the team."

Axl shifted a bit at that before looking over to Zero almost disbelieving.

"It's true," Zero said, "I do think of you as a valuable part of the Hunters. And so does X when he can get past his own self prejudice."

Axl blinked at that.

"He would never tell you but, I guess after this, I probably should," Zero said, "X doesn't hate you. He didn't want you to become a Hunter because he didn't want you to face the same pain and suffering we had to during the wars. He wanted you to remain innocent. Or at least as innocent as you could. He didn't want you to make the same painful mistakes that we've had in our lives. He didn't want your soul to suffer pain. But I guess you did anyway. Only we never realized it."

Axl blinked again before a tear fell down his cheek.

Zero rose and leaned down, kissing the tear away.

Axl's eyes went wide at that and he choked out a sob before latching onto the crimson Hunter, his body shivering.

Zero just held Axl, letting the boy cry against him. "You are wanted," he said softly, "you are loved. You are special . . .to me."

"Zero," Axl choked out, voice shaking as badly as his body was.

"Shh," Zero said, "it's ok. I've got you. I'll never let go of you. I won't let you try to take your life again. I promise you that."

Zero held Axl for as long as the teen would let him, pulling back only when Axl pulled away himself, looking down at his bandaged arm, the top part of the casing obviously still missing from the way the bandage sunk down.

My wounds cry for the grave.
My soul cries, for deliverance.
Will I be denied ?
Christ! tourniquet! my suicide.

* * * Axl looked up after a moment, wondering if this was all a dream, wondering if he was alive or not. It felt real, seemed real. But was it?

All doubt was cast aside when suddenly Zero leaned down and captured the teen in a fierce kiss. After the initial shock that someone like Zero would be standing there kissing him, Axl began to kiss back, somewhat awkwardly. He wrapped his arms around Zero's neck to hold him into the kiss as more tears began to flood down his cheeks, his heart and soul breaking once again, but not with the pain of darkness but the pain of the light chasing away the darkness, breaking his cold soul and bringing warmth to it. A warmth shared and freely given by a crimson Hunter that Axl had so long admired.

Maybe there was something to live for? Maybe there was someone, besides Red, who could love the boy and give him the care and attention he needed? Maybe he was a Hunter after all even if it didn't seem like it? Maybe X really didn't hate him as much as he had imagined he did?

Throwing all thoughts aside for now, Axl rested, content as Zero showed him affection, giving him soft kisses, tender caresses and a love the boy never thought he could feel again.

(return to me salvation)
(return to me salvation)