Goldenmane (Shimmerwing) (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} quill_of_life) wrote,@ 2005-12-31 13:25:00 |
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| Entry tags: | hmbs, shonen-ai, x, zero |
Heart, Mind, Body and Soul
This is an old one of mine, the first shonen-ai/yaoi I ever wrote for the Rockman universe. This was has been posted (I belive) a long time ago, in the rockman_yaoi LJ comm. The original had alternating views between X and Zero, but most thought it was too confusing, even though I marked it clearly who was speaking, since all of this was in first person, so this was the final version, all done from Zero's POV.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I'm just borrowing them for a bit of . . . fun >insert evil grin here<
Shonen-ai alert. And here I never thought I would actually write a shonen-ai for any of the Rockman series. Oi.
Kokoro to Kangare to Karada to Tamashii
(C) 12 - 19 - 2003 All Rights Reserved
By Goldenmane
He would be the calm to my rage, the soft to my rough, the yin to my yang. He would compliment me in as many ways as I would compliment him. There could be no other for me. None could satisfy me. No one could end my hunger, my need, my desire . . .
X had been the butt of many jeers from the other Hunters. He was weak, unfit to be a Hunter. He was better suited to remain a scientist than to fight. And I must admit that in the beginning I was one of those young Hunters who taunted him, teased him. I regret it deeply now that I acted so foolishly.
We fought, we lived, we 'died', we rose to live and fight again. So many times X could have left this mortal world. Too many times he had gotten hurt . . . So many chances to lose him. It hurt.
Yet I could not claim that love as my own, just as I could not lay claim to any other. It was not in my nature to give myself over to another in pure love and trust. But Iris broke that barrier, taught me I could love. But she had been taken from me by a cruel twist of fate. Revenge was not only for me, but for X as well as he had been betrayed by Double.
My thoughts still for a moment. Why did it have to be X? Why not one of the other female Reploids? There were enough who worked for the Hunters who had become smitten over me, but it would never be returned. It was not love they sought but possession. A title, nothing more.
X. So naive at times it breaks my heart. Does he know? Could he realize? Should I enter that private, closed world of the soul? All these years and I haven't told anyone, not even myself at times. Would I dare shatter the delicate illusion of reality with the cold harshness of need?
When X entered the training grounds, I looked up. The way he walks and moves makes my breath catch in my throat. I have to hide my stare by searching past him, as if something ahead had caught my attention. He would think I was preparing myself for a training run instead of longing for him.
When I noticed X look at me out of the corner of my eye, I turned to him and smiled. No. I won't let him see what he means to me. I won't be that cruel. Better to die a thousand deaths than to take away that little part of him he could never get back. I vowed to close the door to my heart and throw away the key. I won't let myself love again.
X returns my smile with one of his own. But soon he looks away and heads to one of the consoles to register a slot. I find my smile slowly fading as if my very life force had been struck down by an Irregular. Never had X seemed so cold or distant toward me. Had something happened that I was unaware of?
With a soft sigh I turned back and closed my eyes, forcing every last bit of emotion out of my soul. Cold and uncaring I had been called during battle, but that was how I fought. No emotions, no distractions to get in the way of my target. I couldn't allow myself to become weak in the face of danger. I had to be strong, I had to win.
I slowly opened my eyes and removed my sabre from its recharge holder on my back. I walked with equally slow and purposeful strides to the door, watching as it slid aside for me, closing once I had passed through.
I called up a routine workout and waited for it to initialize. I lunged at the still targets, slicing with ease with my sabre. Nothing could best me. Nothing was stronger than I was. I was built for combat, built to kill. I was built to survive. I had a determination in me that could best even death. Not even Sigma himself could kill me. I wouldn't let him.
At the thought of the Hunter turned Irregular I paused. Could I ever become that determined for something I could not have? Would I try to command someone to take place of what I longed for?
I closed my eyes and sighed as I slashed at another target. Maybe if I let the song of battle fill my being I could clear my thoughts, my mind. Take a small amount of my soul and leave it hanging on a tree branch where I wouldn't have to think about it. No more pain, no more suffering, no more feelings for X. Yet if I did, would another Hunter find it and return it unwittingly back to me? Would I then have to reface the feelings, the hurt that I cannot have the one person I really and truly love?
I stopped the program and called up another. A more challenging work out. No still targets. No easy prey. I needed to do something to get all of this aggression out of my soul, out of my mind. I don't want to end up like Sigma. I don't want to hurt anyone, least of all my friends.
I ran toward the first target, a holographic, but all too real Reploid. I ran with a speed I knew no true mortal could ever possess. A scream of rage and pain broke free as I sliced it in half. Two more appeared armed with standard busters. I lunged and decapitated one as I rolled to stab the second. More appeared though these fired at me. I dodged and parried, attacked and retreated. I knew where my enemies were at all times. I had to be good just to survive.
I did not stop, not even when a blur of color streaked past me and continued on. This was not part of the programming. Something had happened. I took chase though it had disappeared from sight. The run might do me good. Run from the past and the present into the future.
I could lose myself in the run.
I could lose X in the run.
I could lose my feelings in the run.
I could free myself of the hurt, the pain, the anguish. I would never think of X again except as a Hunter. The leader of the Seventeenth Unit and nothing more.
I would kill part of me in that run if I had to.
I leapt over boulders and other obstacles on the field, darting around the trees on my endless run. The program had glitched and I was curious as to what it might be. Eventually I caught sight of it. A ghost image of one of the still targets I had eliminated. But why it had become so animate, I wasn't sure. But, it disappeared as it slammed into a tree. However, I registered a dormant weapon signal and wondered if it too came from that glitch. I turned and ran toward it, watching as enemies appeared all around me. Enemies that should not have been there. Something definitely was wrong with my program. I called out for it to stop, but it refused to. With a growl I began to decimate the targets, not even thinking as to what I was hitting. It was supposed to terminate at a pre designated number of kills. Maybe if I triggered it, then this madness would end.
I was so blind in my attacks that I never noticed what type of target had appeared next. I never realized until too late that this was one that shouldn't have been in the program. I swiped at it with my sabre but it leapt back, a buster formed on its sapphire arm.
X? I mused as I skidded to a halt, shifting to a defensive crouch. What was he doing there?
But before I could react he fired, striking my chest. I staggered to my feet, an astonished expression on my face to match his own. His eyes grew wide as his buster reverted back to his normal hand. I could see his jaw start to tremble as droplets of fluid trickled down his cheek from the cut my sabre had given it.
I reached out a hand as I turned my sabre off, holding the cold shaft like an explosive. I never meant to hurt X. I would never hurt him. But I was so blinded by my actions I had almost damaged him.
"X," I said softly as words failed me. But little more as I felt a movement from behind. I turned and ducked, reactivating my sabre and spearing the target before it could damage me. When I turned to look back to X he was standing there, still in shock. Unaware of the dangers my training program could prove to him.
I growled and lunged, taking out one before turning to spear the second one, one that was too close to X for my comfort.
I saw a small flicker in those emerald orbs but X said nothing as he turned and ran. I cursed as I placed my sabre back in its recharge holder and gave chase, the practice targets giving chase as well. I didn't want X to leave without this being cleared up. I didn't want this ruining our friendship, the bonds we had already formed. I knew we had to clear this up before it turned into something neither of us could handle. I also knew we had to get out of here with our hides intact.
When I was close enough I tackled X. It was risky, but I had to get him to stop. I had to explain why I had struck at him with my sabre. We rolled from the force and nearly slammed against a rock wall. My body covered his mostly and my chest ached from the blast, aggravated by my lunge. I stared down at him as he tried to recoil from me. I wasted no time and activated my teleport unit, snagging X in the process and dumping us most unceremoniously outside the area I had registered.
"X," I said again softly.
"Get away from me," he nearly snarled.
"You think I've become an Irregular," I said softly as I moved back to give him the space he wanted, "you think I hate you, don't you?"
X said nothing as he laid there almost curling in on himself. This wasn't the X I knew. This wasn't the strong Hunter who, though a pacifist, had enough fire power to bring down Sigma time and time again.
"I don't hate you," I said, "I didn't mean to hurt you. How was I supposed to know you'd enter my training run?"
"I'm sorry," X said, "I was foolish."
"I could have killed you," I said as I sat there on my heels, my hair tangled around me.
"Maybe you should have," X said so softly I wondered if I had heard him right.
"What?" I asked.
X said nothing as he finally rose to his knees. His whole body trembled. Was it anger . . . or sadness? What emotions drove him now? I couldn't tell. I couldn't tell what my friend was going through. Betrayal, no doubt. Thoughts that I did mean to harm him. Fears that I would revert back to my Irregular state. But I wouldn't. I would rather kill myself than risk harming X. He was everything to me. He was my entire world. I still held Iris in a special part of my soul. But X had my full attention.
I crawled over to where X rested and before he could react I hugged him close, gently rubbing his back. When he started to protest I began to whisper softly to him to calm down and relax. That I wouldn't hurt him, that I couldn't. I cared too much for him as a friend to see him hurt like this.
"A friend," he nearly snorted, "nothing more, nothing less."
I pulled back some. "What more could you want me to be?" I asked as my core skipped a beat.
X was hesitant but he looked up at me, his emerald gaze captured my soul as it did every time. He was unsure, I could tell, as if something bothered him. He started to speak then fell silent.
"What more could I be?" I asked to the silence.
"My lover," X said softly before he looked down, his shoulders shaking, no doubt, with emotion.
"You would want me?" I asked softly, "even after what I've done?"
"You have Iris," he said, "I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to take her memory or her place."
"I loved Iris with my entire soul," I said, "and it killed me to have to retire her. But you've held a part of my soul too. I knew I loved you from the moment I was willing to sacrifice my life to save you. And again when Sigma nearly killed us both. I wanted you to live even if I couldn't. I was sad I had never told you how much you meant to me . . . but I didn't want to die knowing you had lost a love. It wouldn't have been right. I didn't want to be selfish about it."
X was confused and I took that opportunity to show him how much I loved him. I kissed him deeply, holding him close. He responded. Not against me, but pressing closer, wrapping his own arms around me, nearly crushing me against him. I broke the kiss and held him, gently rubbing his back.
"Zero," he said softly against my lips.
"I'll always be here for you," I whispered back, "no matter what. I'll never stop loving you."
"And I'll never stop loving you," X said as he gently kissed my neck.
I shivered from the touch as fire raced through my circuits. Finally I had found a closure even as a new chapter in my life opened up. X had mirrored my worry and I had never imagined it. Fears were pushed aside as our love found a new freedom. The Hunters might think it strange that two male Reploids could find solace in each other's arms, but be damned with them. I had found the love of my life, the bond to keep me sane in a slender sapphire Reploid who's past was as mysterious as my own.
I had discovered a love returned tenfold and I would never let that love slip from me again.